Of Tights and Turkeys

In which our hero wonders at who ever thought that men could, or maybe I should say 'should', wear tights....

This evening, I worked my first real job, a one time contract gig in which I would dress up like a turkey and gallivant around Parkview Field. I thought that it might be hot, I thought it might be slightly strange; but on the whole I thought that at least no matter what I couldn't be embarrassed, due to the mask etc....

Then, I got to see my costume. One word. Tights.

A pair of iridescent orange tights, and a turkey suit that only came halfway down my thighs. My heart almost stopped; I would be walking around waving at people in an outfit in which if I raised my arms above my head, they would be able to see my butt, very much not hidden, due to the orange tights.


I pulled myself together and faced the reality of wearing this costume in public. I finally persuaded myself that, really, it's not any worse than the Egypt costume from Joseph. You can stomach this; plus, there is still the fact that only your family knows it's you with the legs.

And that, it turned out, was my ultimate issue. People could only define anything about me by my legs, which, might I add, are very curvy. Right from the outset, people in the crowd could not decide if I was a guy or a girl; in fact, it was such that one chap offered to take me out for steak, and one chick proposed marriage; they were both, summarily and wordlessly, refused.

I loved walking through the crowd; I would wave, they would give me a half smile, and then they would look down, and they would see my iridescent orange leggings, and their faces would light up in grins.

I rather enjoyed the whole experience though. There were only a few sour moments and those were greatly outweighed by all the little kids, who would smile, wave, give high fives, ask for photos, and even on occasion give me a hug.

So, apart from being flirted with by both men and women, the whole evening went well. Now I am sitting on my living room floor, writing this, eating frozen pizza, and being really glad that no one that saw me in that costume knows my name.

Thank you.