Emergency Pressure Release

In which our hero opens some his consciousness overflow release valves....

I'm feeling restless tonight. Not in a manner that I cannot sleep, or even relax, but in the manner that my mind will not stop whirring. It spins in cycles chewing up, processing, and regurgitating information. But there is nowhere for these fancies and fascinations to fasten, and they quickly return to my mind to find safe haven and refuge from the prying eyes of wandering wrackspurts.

I feel, rather, like a spinning top, hung from a string being twisted into cat's cradles, suspended from a pendulum swinging against the wind. My mind is mincing its meat pies, mixing its metaphors, mashing its M-n-Ms, and meandering in a meaningfully menacing montage of mental menagerie.
Thoughts. They hum about my ears and make sounds, sometimes of a seamless symphony of sympathetic synonyms....

But I digress, I carried that on in order to exorcize my brain. I hope it made some sense, it makes sense to me.

On to actual topics which can be taken for what they are, or are not.

I feel behind; behind schedule as concerns school; behind on my reading; behind on my devotions; behind on life. I feel like I am moving forward, perhaps even quickly, but that the ground is moving faster than my feet and the objects in my rear view mirrors are closer than they appear. I feel that I am making progress, improving and learning, but oh so slowly, and sometimes too late. I am plowing forward, trekking, ever trekking, towards... what? I don't know. I have always felt that I had clear goals. Long term plans for my life. Now I only consider my future in definite terms as concerns my requirements for school. I suppose this has to do with having been assigned goals for the first time.

I was told something, by several different people recently; that, as a professional, and esp. as a performer, I have to define myself. I have to know who I am, and establish that for myself, and for other people. So then, how to go about that? Or do I do it already? Do people have a specific idea of who I am? Do I? If someone had to describe my personality to someone else, how would they do it. I hear people talk about other people they know, and I ask myself'; how do you talk about me when I am not there? I am not so foolish to not care what other people think, I try not to let it define me, but how people perceive you matters.

Ironic, I now have "Who Am I?" from Les Miserables stuck in my head.

When I took the SAT, the essay I had to write was based off of a question about whether we should let other people influence our ideas. Like all SAT questions, it was a low-ball pitch made to be struck with the full force of any highschooler's lofty opinions. I despise questions like this. They always ask for absolutes concerning things which have more touch-of-gray than silver lining.
My answer was that influence was inevitable. We cannot interact with anyone, or anything, and not have it influence our perspective. There is no avoiding influence, we are sponges, we absorb everything and assume it into who and what we are. Whether by adoption or repulsion, or even apathy, all things touch us and make us include them in our reality.

One of the things that has been the hardest about school has been the separation from my family. Nothing makes my day like meeting my brother on campus, whether for coffee or just to walk around talking. For my entire life, my family has been my first resort for advice and for conversation, and my classmates and friends, as excellent and interesting as they may be, do not make for very strong substitutes.

But now it is Lent, a season of prayer, fasting, and solemn meditation. It is strange to consider the fact that, in this world, I will only experience a limited number of Lenten-tides. Statistically, I have already been through twenty percent of them. My days are as an hand-breadth... I find that more and more, my favorite book of the Bible to sit down and read is Ecclesiastes. There is such a strong sense of perspective, of not just knowledge, but wisdom.

And that ultimately, I guess, will be what can help me in finding the answers to all of my problems: Perspective. To know who I am, and to know who He Is. A stark contrast to be sure. A sign upon my forehead and my heart. For, in this one of many Lents, even with the Golgotha of my sins looming in the horizon, I know that my Redeemer lives. And the neither the prince of this world, nor its principalities, nor my own foolish pride, can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.

And that, was an explosion of thought. The last section is the only part that keeps me sane through the rest of it. Perspective for the day, eh?

Thanks for reading.