Getting Older (Or am I?)

In which our hero contemplates the annual addition of age....

Recently, I have been faced with something rather strange.

People don't seem to be able to guess how old I actually am. They assume older, or younger, and they are almost always surprised when I tell them how young, or old, I really am.

When I began at IPFW, most of my peers assumed I was an upperclassman transfer. Nobody thought I was a freshman, and many people did not know differently until I had to explain why I couldn't go out drinking with them. This still happens, to a degree. People will forget that I'm younger, or the new students will assume that I am older than I actually am. As well, this past week, I was asked by an acquaintance if a child I was holding for a friend was mine. I have not been able to establish a pattern amongst these people, though I am almost certain there must be some common perceptional basis.

The flip-side of the coin, was emphasized for me this past week. I was at rehearsal for a large Bach concert, in which I sang an aria, and the director started, briefly, to speak on the nature of the choir, who are volunteers, and soloists who are not. And he mentioned that the choir has been good about involving teenagers in singing Bach, and he sited me as an example.

In case you didn't realize, I am some ways off from being a teenager.

Afterwards, one of my professors, who was also a soloist, told me she didn't realize that I was as old as I was.

And in all of this, no one has ever predicted my age accurately, not to my memory. Perhaps, for those who have known me some time, is because they remember me younger. I don't know how to explain people believing me older. I graduated High school a year late, which might affect people's perceptions. I don't know what it is in my behavior or habits that people see as older, or younger. I know that people have always been thrown off by my voice. But that was when it wasn't tracking with my body; I was singing E2s when I was 15, if not earlier. I came in freshman year singing Db2s, which caused some confusion amongst the others in the group, when Dr. K made a remark about 'the lowly Freshman, popping out low Dbs.'

Whatever it is, I am not particularly concerned. I feel the press of my age, (having discovered that one of my more amicable classmates was born the same year as my little brother, albeit on the other end of the year) and considering decisions for college that will directly effect the rest of my life. I am starting my first annual job, and will be working a lot over the next year. As well as trying to discern how I should approach my personal development as a future husband, father, or pastor. I have been living my life very much one day, week, or month at a time, but my thoughts have to project forward to plan my schedule and make serious plans for paying for school or possible grad-school down the road.

All this to say, I got into a twenty minute conversation at lunch today about perceptions and how they change how people view  the world. In particular as pertains to art. I would like to say, I would be very depressed to think that the world is only as it is perceived, the prevailing opinion of our culture....

But that, is for another blog post.

Thanks for reading.

The Conduct of the Service

In which our hero speaks in the late evening, concerning the things of his morning....


This morning, as is my joyous custom, I went to church.

Big surprise, right?

This week, Kantor is gone and thus it was necessary for me to take up the duties normally performed by the choir; that is, the chanting of the Introit, Gradual, and Alleluia. I sat in the choir loft and performed my duties in their due order.

However, herein lies the rub.
I am having serious voice trouble. I don't know what caused it, but during a rehearsal last week I felt something odd in my voice, and it has been hit and miss ever since. My voice teacher chalked it up to fatigue and stress, and, with hope, it will recover after a brief respite. If not, I will have to visit an ENT specialist and figure out what is wrong.
Either way, it may mean a bit of a change in tack concerning how and when I use my voice.

But, I digress--as usual-- for I was talking about Christ and the Church....

I was able to serve in my duties as cantor, but that was it. I had to refrain from speaking the liturgy, or singing the hymns. I was effectively mute for the entirety of the early and late services. Which is really a shame, the hymns were generally excellent today.

I had one serious bonus to my morning this morning. Because I was acting as cantor, I was in the choir loft with my God-Brother, Pendragon. Pendragon is a little guy with Down Syndrome. He doesn't talk and he communicates mostly by sign-language. And today, we spent the service together in silence.

Silent, but confessing.

Neither of us could speak the liturgy, however, as the Service progressed we went through the  rubrics. When the congregation said, "The Lord be with you" we opened our hands with the blessing. We bowed for the Sanctus, genuflected for the Creed, and crossed ourselves for the Gospel. Pendragon would chime in by saying, "Amen" in sign and I would open his hymnal to the hymns so we could read along.

And this made me reflect, as I often have, on the orderly, repeated, structured, physically active conduct of the Service. I could not speak, but I could participate in the ceremonies which I have learned and have become a part of my understanding and memory. But even more than for me, these things matter for little kids, especially little ones like Pendragon. From the youngest age they can learn to participate, to discipline their bodies in God's sanctuary, and to recognize the significance of what is going on. Then, as they grow older they learn the significance of those things that they have always had.

I have a friend who told me that that most beautiful confession they had ever witnessed had been the spontaneous, heartfelt prayer of little child asking for protection for his family.

The most beautiful confession I have ever seen, was a five-year-old with Down Syndrome, beckoning me to join him at the rail to kneel and confess...

Thanks for reading.

Time to Think and a Time to Rest

In which our hero is looking for the latter; he's had plenty of the former.....

For a sample of the latter, see my previous post....

This has been a busy semester and not even coursework wise. I don't know that I'll have a semester to rival last, as far as busy work is concerned. But this semester is full of thinking. Thinking about so many things that my brain is almost constantly on overload, trimming thoughts off the edges so that I forget things, little things, but things. I lost my travel mug, or I forgot to check my email, or I forgot to eat my apple with lunch, or I forget to pick up my pin for Freshman honors. Little trains of thought that took a detour and never made it back to the station.

This semester has introduced me to many new trains of thought, all of them freight trains. This semester I was informed that I had the possibility of considerably more scholarship money, as well as being invited to take part in a Colloquium class to help prepare for grad school. I had not thought I had particularly odd or varied interests until they were enumerated being assessed by someone else; (apparently the Office of Major scholarships at IPFW has never seen 'Koine Greek' on an application.)
I've also been going through the machinations of getting a job as a tutor. The process is taking a terribly long time; because the head of the program never seems to be free to finish up the training. I've been considering how effective of a tutor I actually might be. I'm hoping that tutoring, as well as providing me some much needed income and job experience, will help me get a feel of whether or not I would want to teach at some point in my life. I'm only tutoring in Music Theory, which is a subject near and dear to me. Although all the feedback I've received from colleagues, or the professor who wrote the letter of recommendation for me to tutor, is that I will make an excellent tutor, or indeed, in the future, professor.

But I digress, I was speaking of my thought freight trains; observe how easily the detour....

Why am I thinking of thinking? Well, right now it's all I can do, I am currently confined to a chair in my living room, having pulled my trapezius (and yes, spellczech, that most certainly is a word) muscle. I am hoping to try and wake up my brain before I settle in for some homework.

But I digress, that still is not a return to original subject matter....

This semester I also ended up with the unusual responsibility of arranging a gig for the vocal jazz group I'm in. I have a contact with the local food truck association and I volunteered that I could contact them about us maybe performing at a rally. Then it turned into me organizing the event and making all of the necessary phone calls/meetings for advertizing etc. I don't mind, I was glad to contribute, but it was a weight on my mind up until this week when plans were finalized.

And, as always, my thoughts have been much consumed by my thoughts of the future. Perhaps there is a time and a place to stop thinking so hard about it, but I am at a point where my actions will almost directly and dramatically influence my future. I am looking into Summer opera programs, but I am also looking towards starting to learn the organ, to the point of perhaps graduating with it as a secondary instrument. How I invest my summers will directly effect my career options from here to the point that I graduate from a masters. Which, for what it's worth, I know I want to pursue, even if I'm not positive what form it will take. And, of course, school is not the only thing that can shape my vision of the future, or alter it dramatically. I know that marriage and a family has been a central aspect of all of my plans, even if it has not been clear when or with whom. Which is perhaps another thing that has been occupying my mind of late, (let the reader understand.)

There is also the ever present idea of transferring. It's always a thought, whether or not it will need to happen or not.

There are other things that have occupied my mind, but I am now realizing that this post is waxing long; I suppose that is what will happen if I start writing during the day, as opposed to at night. But then, I always wax long, even if I'm writing in the AMs. There are other things I could continue to write about...

Anywho, I am merely recognizing that it has come high time to bring this post to an end... What was I even talking about? I had to think about it before I remembered.

I hope that there was something worthwhile in this post, otherwise it was just grumbling. Which mind, was not the intent of this post. I don't mean to whine.

But that's a post in itself.

Thanks for reading.

Escape

In which our hero gets away from it all....


On certain satellite radio services, there is a particular station which plays schmaltzy, jazz-lounge-ish music. The station alternated announcers and each one had a different manner in which they delivered the primary tagline. All of them over delivered it and consequentially sounded absurd doing so.

Apart from the fact that the music was insipid and the announcers unbelievable, what they were proposing was ridiculous. You are listening to satellite radio, which almost necessarily means driving, which, in my mind, is the absolute most polar opposite thing from 'getting away from it all.' Driving is death, and panic, and fire, and burglars, and demons, and madmen, and thieves, and charlatans, and scoundrels, and villains......

{This section of the manuscript has been removed by the NSA to preserve the life-force and sanity of the general populace}

.... it's just wretched.


So then, the purpose of this spiel.

This weekend, I got away from it all. I have been having a terrible time getting acclimated to being at school; acclimating to not spending time with my bros; not being in control of my own schedule; not getting to spend all day with my niece when she was here. I feel like I don't have time, even though I am on top of my studies, and am really faring better than fair. I love the work. I love my music. So, why the stress and lack of restiveness?

Je ne sais pas.

Whatever it is; I got away. I had homework that needed to be done, sure. But homework can wait for the lonesome hours. I didn't have a plan, sure. It was all impromptu, the only plan being that friends were in town, and I was going to spend every second I could in their incomparable society. I put the hazards and care of my life away and immersed myself in the mutual consolation of the brethren.

And there were stories for the telling, and roads to be run. There was trudging through trees, and foolishness in fields. We gandered at greenery and milled in modalities. We spoke, or were silent. Cried out, or said nothing at all. We posed for portraiture and laughed til it hurt. We talked of everything, and nothing, of cabbages, and even of kings; discourse in dialectics of didactics of demeanor and distraction. Words were exchanged, at cost or gain (and non cared the more which for.)

A day marked by the sheer unbridled happiness of a soul and mind at rest. Sure there was thinking, there might have even been some level of worry at times.

But what are such things, when one is among his friends?

Thanks for reading.

Sundry Sophomore Soliloquoys, vol. 5

In which our hero finishes the week on Friday....


So, it's come to this....

No, it really has. End of the week and this is the end of this many-volume blog post anthology. I hope that the reading has merited the time it has likely taken. I can't say it was a terrifyingly interesting week. I was pleased with it on the whole.

But back to our narrative....


Today began like many of these days have: Alarm, make coffee, shower, stumble, sip coffee, stumble, sip coffee, scratch head trying to remember what I forgot, sip coffee, make bagged lunch, sip coffee, and rinse and repeat actions, starting from 'stumble.' I am rather pitiful when I wake up early. Zombie-ish you might even say.

-Interjection: I have been remiss this week in not expressing gratitude to the most wonderful neighbor person in the world, Mrs. P. Who was generous enough to let me ride to and, when necessary, from campus with her. She would put up with me, whether it was being anti-social and dozing off, or being over social for lack of Lutheran social stimuli. Ain't nobody got neighbors as awesome as mine.

I got to school about eight. I had an hour until my first class, so I killed the time practicing blues patterns, which are fun once you figure them out but are terribly tedious to practice.  Thirty minutes of practicing later, I walked down the hall and chilled outside my Theory classroom talking DnD with a classmate, sharing silly memories from various encounters or campaigns. I might have to look into doing a DnD group on Fridays.... But then, I really need to use that time for homework or music... c'est la vie de la Musique Major.

Be warned, I might start dropping French phrases in my posts, to try and exercise my knowledge.

Theory class went off without a hitch. Every answer I had was correct, and I didn't waste any time getting those answers. It will be a great way to begin my non-busy days. Maybe I'll even get some writing done if I don't have a lot of homework late in the semester.

After Theory class, I mingled for about fifteen minutes and then sat down to practice more piano, and a little bit of opera. I learned that there was free food today, which, you must understand, is hard to beat. Especially hard to beat is the prospect of extra protein in my daily diet. So I walked across campus to the free food, and then back to Rhinehart, free food in tow. On the way I spotted a group of Freshies doing homework and cloistering themselves in the midst of their classmates. As it was a passing fair day, I decided that instead of going in and sitting in the student lounge, I would sit outside and talk with them. The conversation revolved around choir starting today, and their own varying degrees of choral experience. They asked about U.Singers, what kind of rep. we did last year, etc.

I sat talking with them for some time, and then it was time for piano. I had rather a lot of fun in piano today. Our assignments for today were to play the blues, minor scales, and playing "Twinkle, Twinkle" by ear. Then the fun part, modulating "Twinkle" into minor. It sounds really funny, and somehow really epic. One of my fellow basses and I went from the class singing "Twinkle" a la minor, an octave down in our best Bassi Profundi impressions. It's healthy to sing when walking down the hall, it helps remind people who don't get to hear me sing much that I am a bass. We wouldn't want them thinking me a tenor. That would not do.

I went about doing nothing really at all, trying to find a practice room. When I finally had one, it wasn't long before U.Singers. I practiced a bit and went to choir.

Choir today was special. It was the first rehearsal of the new year with a new director. Exciting stuff. When we had dispensed with introductions, Dr. Busarow declared that we would sing first, read syllabus second. We pulled out the music and opened it to the "Cantique de Jean-Racine."
 Dr. Busarow asked, "So, who here has sung this piece before?" I raised my hand, expecting at least a few others. But no one else raised their hand. People who knew me already laughed. They knew I was a bit of a geek, and it figured that I would have sung the piece no one else had ever sung. It is a beautiful piece, and good fun to sing and allowing a proper bass line.

On a side note, the men are divided into TI, TII, BI/Bar., B2. Of the bass 2s, I am the only non-freshman music major; making me the senior member of the section, which actually holds true in age too, funny enough.

As choir ended, I milled about in the hallway, chatting with friends until my extraction team arrived.

And then I was home. I had pool-o'clock, drank tea, and had delicious Kraft mac with my wonderful little brother, who entertained me as I wrote with his commentary while playing "Forza 4."

In summary, it has been a long week. There is much work to be done, not terribly much time to do it, and a long semester of early wake-ups and bag lunches ahead of me. But for all that, there is knowledge, friendship, experience, and maybe, if I'm lucky, wisdom to be had. My semester could turn out to be crazy. As it stands it doesn't look bad, but it can change, or I may be underestimating the workload. Any way that it turns out, I will carry through this academic year, improve my skills as a musician, and maybe, just maybe, learn some French.

The former pair are certainly worth looking forward to, the third, well, jury's still out on French.

Thank you for reading. It has been a pleasure to share this first week with you. I would like to thank my sponsors, my mama and my papa, who have underwritten my college venture and have provided more than the money's worth in love and support. I would like to thank my backer (the person standing behind me poking me, telling me I should do things when I propose that I should do them, you know who you are.) And I would like to thank the number 5 and the word "Vici." As in: Doppleganger, although I did not intend to compete with you in length of blog posts, I will point out that, while you wrote one long post, I have exceeded it in my five volumes.

Either way, I hope this has been enjoyable -or at least not boring- reading.

Thank you for reading.

Sundry Sophomore Soliloquoys, vol. 4

-In which our hero talks about Thursday....


The week is drawing to a close. This is the second to last volume of this series, my school week ending as it does on Friday.

My day began early, again. A light-less rising, when I bounded out of bed as my alarm screamed bloody murder at me. Early wake-ups are much harder when the sun isn't shining. Or maybe the sun was shining, but my eyes were sealed by sleepishness.

But I digress.

I scrambled about my morning preparation, trying to pull together the minutia of my day. I had a lot to bring with me, Repertoire books, paperwork for tutoring and such. I had to make coffee, prepare my lunch box (bag actually), and make sure that all of my books were in order. I also went about the important business getting properly caffeinated. I managed to drink a large cup of coffee to supplement my small travel mug.

When I arrived at school, I had only a little business to attend to. I practiced a wee bit of piano, mostly Blues patterns. I was waiting for the eight o'clock classes to end; for Dr. North's first Sight singing class to end. When it ended, I approached him and asked if he would mind filling out a recommendation form for a job tutoring the theory courses he teaches, which he taught when I attended them. He agreed, and told me he'd return them to me in an envelope.

At nine Dr. Bookout's Music Lit. class began, and I became more determined that I was going to love her class. We talked about Gregorian chant, the notation, the prayer offices and ordinaries, and the acoustics and spaces it was written for. Which translates to, listening to and reading chants and looking at pictures of Chartres. I was so happy when I realized I could name all the ordinaries and propers of the medieval Mass without prompting. Dr. Bookout is an excellent professor, and I look forward to hearing everything she has to say about her subject matter.

I then had French class, but that has not really changed much. It's still madness. There may be method, but that doesn't change the madness.

My next class was at one-thirty, and until that time I had to eat lunch and occupy the time. I learned that one of my classmates was performing out in the amphitheater outside of the Music Building, and I decided to check it out. There was also, as I had heard from fellow starving artists, food to be had for free. I couldn't say no to that.

When I got out to the amphitheater it was about fifteen minutes until my classmate was billed to perform. I had not realized it, but there were still canvas lawn chairs available, also for free. I grabbed a free lawn chair and my free grub and chatted with another music student until the music I was interested in hearing started. When she did perform, my classmate did a couple of original songs and a couple of covers. She has a much better voice than the original artists and the effect was quite pleasant.

I went inside and got my act together for Sight-singing with Dr. K. Once more, this class doesn't change much from day to day. However, this class is no madness at all. It's always strictly structured and rigorously taught. Which is important when you are teaching a bunch of young musicians how to fly by the seat of their pants.

Ah yes, Convocation; It was the first convocation of the semester and they had arranged a nice line-up of performances. But first the business, including recognizing Dean's list and Semester's Honors students.

-Interjection: My ego is slightly swollen, as I fall into both of those lists.

....After the recognition of the lists, the major music related student organizations gave presentations; the department chair made a short address, and, when the business was done, came the performances. On the docket was Jason and the head of the piano division, playing a Mozart piano duet; Drew, star tenor of our music program, singing an aria from Faust; and the Trombone ensemble, performing an impressive all brass setting of "Nearer My God to Thee." The music was excellent, a good way to show the Freshies what it's all about.

Opera was shortly after Convo. Opera was long today. We read dialogues, but my character has none, so I had nothing to do. I was more than eager to leave the building aboard the Peril chariot at the end of the day and to return to my home of hominess.

Tomorrow is the last day of the first week...

But that is for then.

Thanks for reading.

Sundry Sophomore Soliloquoys, vol. 3

In which our hero whittles away writing about a Wednesday....


Continuing our sequential plot line of summary posts, today was Wednesday.

Indeed, it was the first day of serious classwork for Theory, although that consisted of review of last semester....

-Interjection: I was afraid that I would not be able to do theory and analysis as quickly, having neglected those skills over the summer... I needn't have worried, I was completing problems about as fast as I could identify the pitches... which was fast.

....I had a good time during that class. Dr. Johnson is going to be great to have as a professor. I've missed theory. I might have to pursue composition merely to explore the possibilities presented by the vast world of theory. I love it.

After Theory had ended, I walked with some classmates across campus to where a local breakfast place was catering an ISPGA event. It was decent food, and more protein to add to my daily diet. Shortly after food was my third day of French. I have struggled to get onto my feet with French. I pick up words quickly, and I understand what people are saying very fast, but I got confused by the two fifteen page documents, the Programme Detailles and the Syllabus. I believe I now know what I must do and it is simply a matter of finding the time to do it.

Immediately after French I took off for piano. Piano has always been one of my easier prospects, today was no exception. We were assigned to do five-finger pattern warm-ups for next class, but I was able to do the patterns proficiently today, thus saving me the time on Friday. It was a straight forward class, we were assigned the twelve-bar blues and to review minor scales.

When piano had ended, I had nothing to do til Vocal Jazz, an extra-curricular ensemble, not a class.

When I arrived for Jazz, about two minutes late, I quickly realized I was one of only four guys in the room. I was then informed that two of them were tenors, and that as it stood, we were only guaranteed us two for basses. We went through the business for the ensemble; electing new officers, proposing fundraising plans. Then, came the election of section leaders, as one of two basses present, and between us the only voice major, I was made bass section leader. I was not particularly enthused by the idea, but then, I don't have to be. I figured I could do the job as well as just about anybody.

Jazz was the end of my day. Afterwards I walked across campus to meet with Mrs. P to catch a ride home with her.

When I had gotten home, I met my family for foodtrucks. A good way to end the day.

And that, essentially, was my Wednesday.

Thanks for reading.

Sundry Sophomore Soliliquoys, vol. 2

In which our hero thinks about Tuesday....


Today, following in the footsteps of yesterday, as it must, I will speak of today; of such things as did pass through my time that I did behoove worthy of further contemplation.

Exemplia Gratia: This morning began late. I over slept and only had twenty-five minutes to remove my carcass from bed, prepare, and traipse through the door. I had planned on a solid hour. There was stuff to get done, things to fetch, papers to locate (more on that later,) food to eat, and coffee to drink. Instead I headed out the door at twenty-five to eight having not eaten breakfast or had any coffee, save the eight-ounce travel mug in my hand, a meager allotment  at best. The papers I had meant to locate were my application papers for the CASA tutoring center, especially the professor-signed recommendation sheet, which I had intended to have signed this morning by the esteemed Dr. North of Theory I and II.

A rough beginning, to be sure. One I hope not to repeat.

When I arrived on campus, I dallied some, swerving back and forth mindlessly until the bookstore opened. I went to the computer lab to print off some papers for my classes, including my fifteen page French syllabus and Programme Detailles. Then it was half past, and the bookstore was open. I had purchased my hundred and forty dollar French text a couple nights before, and I had received notification that it was available for pick-up. I approached the counter, asked for it, and received my bookstore bag that contained it. I pulled the text from the bag, eager to see what had cost so much....

Pages.... Unbound pages. Albeit, they were laminated and hole punched....

One hundred and forty dollars had bought me a few hundred pages of unbound textbook....

As you can imagine, this did not improve my morning.

After this disappointment, I had Music Lit. I knew Dr. Bookout, loosely, from her work with the Bach Collegium as a consultant and period musician. I knew that she played magnificently and knew more about music history than just about anybody in Ft. Wayne. Her class was packed, filled with new sophomores, people who had missed her class last year, or people who had already failed it and come back. The room was full, there was not a seat to be had.

And it was dead silent.

Dr. Bookout speaks very softly, almost in a manner of reverence for her subject matter. She didn't raise her voice so we could hear her, we had to listen. And we did, we hung on every word she spoke. We didn't waste much time on the syllabus. We looked over it, put it aside and got down to history. We talked about style, musical elements, and the reasons for musical development; the basic building blocks of music history.

After Music Lit. I had a little while until French. I sat down to work on an assignment with a classmate until such a time as we had to leave. French class was unremarkable. We learned some more basic bits of kit and generally had an easy time of it. I volunteered and was an amiable buffoon, opening doors and then being told she had said 'frappez a la porte' and then, obligingly, if embarrassed, rapping on the door with my knuckles.

After French I had a break until Sight-singing. I didn't do much. I don't have repertoire selected yet, and the only thing I had to practice was opera (granted I should have practiced that but I didn't.) I ate my lunch and sat around talking to a classmate and one of the Freshman (my teacher's son.) Sight-singing was fabulous, if terrifying, but that comes with the territory. Dr. K was as polite and brutally honest as ever,which I love....

-Brief interjection. I took voice with Dr. K for about three years, in which time she pretty much single handedly  saved my voice from destruction through this brutal honesty-

.... I was shaking in my boots about sight-singing. But I knew that, if I did my part, Dr. K would do everything in her power to make sure I did well.

(Looks at clock and realizes how close it is to being Wednesday, better wrap up.)

After Sight-singing was Performance class. It was exactly what was expected, telling all the freshies what's up. After Perf. was Opera. It was also very much a syllabus/organization class period.

After opera, I texted Patchy for evac. His class didn't finish for a while, but I appreciated the chance to sit still.

That's it. I'm done. And no, I am not going to enter a post length spitting contest with the Doppleganger.
Tune in tomorrow for another exciting adventure... or not.....

Thanks for reading.

Sundry Sophomore Soliloquoys, vol. 1

In which our hero reflects on a Monday....


On this day, in the year of our Lord 2013, the month being August, the twenty-sixth of the month, I began the new semester of school, my sophomore year.

I have been looking forward to school. I missed the structure, the tangible progress of my semesters in the music building. I missed having work to do, having problems to solve, rhythm and rhyme to reason and resolve. School represented a growth in knowledge and ability which is difficult to match outside of the disciplined context of academic study. I am hoping that the developing discipline of the school year will continue to grow into my down time. I did more work this semester than I have ever really done in an unenforced context previously

But I digress, all this speaks to the pre-semester thoughts, this blog post is themed for this semester starting today. Entschuldigung.


My day began early, very early. I woke at 6:40, stumbled my way to the shower, and groped my way about my morning prep. I will be waking earlier when Lauds shifts to its school year time of seven-am. I look forward to the time when I will be able to continue such disciplines, which I find to be the best way to start the day....

Once, more, I have diverged from the subject at hand. Krosis.

So, having prepped my box-lunch, I searched for a travel mug which I could carry my coffee in; however, woe of woes, there was not a sizable mug to be found. I left the house, bereft and caffeine deprived.

I did some first day prep, procuring my locker, printing my schedule, figuring out which books I needed that day. I went to the bookstore, learned they didn't have my last textbook reserved yet, and bought my piano workbook for my class piano. I returned to the music building, and settled in for my first class, nine-am Theory III. I was instantaneously surrounded by some of my favorite people from freshman theory, as well as some favored classmates who had to retake it. Dr. Johnson is an excellent personality. A wit, a man who genuinely enjoys the work he is doing and delights in sharing it. We'll get along swimmingly.

After theory, I had a brief respite. My next class didn't start until eleven-am, so I went about some of the additional business I had to complete. I walked across campus to the CASA tutoring center and procured for myself the paperwork prerequisite of working as a tutor. From there I texted my merciful brother, and begged that he should provide caffeination that I might survive the day. He graciously did provide it, and I continued my day with eleven-am French.

French is my only non-music class this semester and, funny enough, when I entered the class this morning, four of my fellow students were music majors. I settled in next to one of them and sat through the syllabus and a little bit of introductory French in the form of name games.

After French I had nothing to do, earlier in the day I had signed up for my re-audition for U.Singers, but the excerpt to be prepared was simple, and I was not worried for the audition (But more on that later.) I waylaid the Freakishly-tall Tenor and Mufasa who were out enjoying the sun and waiting for free food. I chilled with them and followed when they removed from the company of the Sopranos towards the music building. I hung out with them in the Lounge for a good hour, re-acclimating myself to socializing with my music peeps.

Mufasa and I practiced the excerpt, it was simple, consisting of a bass line not untypical in choral music, four or five notes repeated, sometimes in different octaves, but at simple intervals. At two-twenty I went into my audition and sang for Dr. Busarow, the new head of choral. I was having a strange day, vocally. I sang an Eb 2 on bottom and a G# 4 on top. My normal is a D2 on bottom with maybe the F4 on top. Strange day.

After my audition, I went home with my mama and, having arrived home, held a baby for half an hour and sat down, I fell asleep. I took a nap, a long nap.

There isn't much more to say. I was attempting to find out what had me stressed today, by working back through it. It didn't really work. I think there must have been a wide array of small antagonizing thoughts that made up my anxiety train.
Perhaps the light of tomorrow morning will illumine the darkness...

Tune in tomorrow for more.

Thanks for reading.

Lawyers And Ditches

In which our hero contemplates today's Gospel reading....


A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way, he fell among thieves and was left, beaten, bloodied, naked and dying in a ditch. He lay in the ditch, and while he lay there, a Levite came down the road, but he passed by. Later on, a priest also came near, but he passed by. The man continued dying, trapped in the ditch and unable to help himself. But then a Man came near, a Samaritan, despised of the Jews, a wayfarer and outcast in His time, He was journeying on that same road between Jerusalem and Jericho, and, seeing the man in the ditch, He had compassion for the man. He stepped into the ditch, miring Himself in the filth of that place, carrying the dying man out of there, binding his wounds and setting him on His own animal. The Man walked leading the animal with its cargo to the Place of Recovery. Therein He offered the price for the continuing care of the injured man and promised to pay for any expense he might incur. He left, continuing on His journey, leaving behind Him a promise of return.

There was a certain lawyer who had fallen among demons and sought to put the Christ to the test. He asked, "What must I do to inherit eternal life?" The Christ answered, "What is written in the Law, how do you read it?" The lawyer said, "Love God and man perfectly." The Christ answered, "Correct, do this, and you will live." The lawyer became desperate, he was bleeding, laying in a ditch, robbed of his confidence, naked before the law. He had to find a loophole, "Who, in specific, must I love perfectly?" The Christ tells him a parable about a man in a ditch, trapped unable to be helped, and then he tells of the one who did help. Christ changes the question, "Who proved neighbor to the man?" "The one who showed mercy" and then Christ says, "Go, and do likewise."

The parable Christ tells is describing the very state of the lawyer, he is on the road to Jerusalem, and he falls into a great sin. The man in the parable has left the city of peace, he has left the presence of the temple, even while the Levite and the Priest are traveling thence, likely on their way to the temple to make their sacrifices. The lawyer asks his question, the answer is too true, too close to home. The Law walks past on the other side of the road, unable to help him, lest it be rendered unclean: unlawful. The lawyer had received a just answer, if he wanted the Law, that is what he would have.

But Christ, the Samaritan comes, an outcast and despised of the people. He has compassion on the lawyer, He changes the question, He changes the actor. He tells the lawyer what the lawyer can trust in when he is in the ditch: the Man, journeying to Jerusalem, a Man who descends into the filth the lawyer lives in and pulls him out, binds his gaping wounds and provides for his well being until He returns. He gives the lawyer the promise, the Law can't save him, only the compassion of the Merciful Samaritan can save him.

Then Christ asks, who was neighbor to the man? The one who showed him mercy. Who, in all of history, has ever proven neighbor to His fellow man? Who has loved His neighbor as Himself, withheld nothing, offered up everything for the sake of love? Only He that hung naked on the cross, who, though He were King, owned nothing, and in the fullness of time, gave up even His own life for sinful men, though He was despised and rejected by the world.

Why then, why does the Christ say "Go and do likewise"?

The answer, I believe is clear. "For I desired mercy, and not sacrifice; and the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings." (Hosea 6:6) It is an exhortation to good works. Christ does not require the lawyer to make His sacrifice. But now that the lawyer knows what he has been given, he knows how he should respond. 

The lawyer has been invited by Christ to be a Christian, to follow Him. The lawyer will stumble, fall into sin and never follow His example perfectly. But Christ will be there, there to pull him out of the ditch, there to take him to the Inn of Recovery, where He offers the lawyer His Body and His Blood, promising that whatever the lawyer's soul, He has paid it. And more, for he promises to return for the lawyer.

Blessed are they, who have seen what we have seen, the risen Lord, coming with the clouds of heaven, under the Bread and the Wine given for Christians to eat and to drink until He returns.

Blessed are we, for Jesus Christ is our neighbor and our Merciful Samaritan.


Thanks for reading.

Retreating To Victory

In which our hero, classically, begins with "Once upon a time"....

So then, once upon a time, in an ancient land of bogs and buildings, there was a great gathering of brilliant and wonderful people. These people, labeled "Lutheran homeschoolers," are a singular breed; diverse in personality, original in conversation, and having gifts and interests that vary as much as their locations of origin. It was a gathering of minds for what was labeled a retreat of the family (an accurate label indeed).

The week was filled by the constant companionship of the Otter and his Doppleganger, Nimagist. This pair, glorious in Leaguing, magnificent in scheming, and possessed of a predisposition towards deep conversation, were excellent company and have beds under this roof any time that they should choose to claim them. A singular pair of gents. Along with Capt. von Corgi, we spent the week gallivanting and carrying on, (in the young Lutheran manner, i.e. regular church attendance and discussion of theological mores mingled with a healthy dose of Spiderman; i.e. "the Lutheran manner," minus beer.)

Speaking of regular church attendance, I love attending the Lord's service with a huge group of people who know how to sing harmony. Hearing ostinattos ringing through the arches of the sanctuary, tenor and alto lines being filled in where they seldom are, and hearing other people singing bass with me... Fun stuff. Daily communion and prayer with a massive convocation of my church family. And, to boot, the glory of serving as acolyte, not only with my blood brother, but with my other brothers in Christ. For three days--the length of the retreat--we had prayer offices and communion. Three glorious days.

Which, if you hadn't guessed, is the segue into the next paragraph... but I digress.

-Addendum- The party, kind-of, started on Monday with the unofficially-official kick-off party at Crazy Tony's. (Pseudonyms used to protect the innocent, or the guilty. Not that I'm officially acknowledging culpability in anything.)

The first day was a Tuesday, a thoroughly unremarkable day of the week according to most weeks, but glorious for the sake of circumstance. The morning was spent with Capt. von Corgi, preparing for guests to arrive at the church and in the family home, preparing for the retreat and impending guests at home, the Family de Violin and the aforementioned duo. These preparations are fairly well typified by that often spoken, many times heard saying concerning a certain kind of poultry that has suffered capital truncation. But Tuesday progressed in a surprisingly nonviolent manner, filled with educative and interesting plenaries and sectionals, and crowned with a game-night and potluck, which turned into more of an "everyone about your socializing and fraternization and leave the adults to their beers" night.

Wednesday was a busy day. It began early and ran late, spanning the spectrum from prayer in the morning, to dancing till the cows came home. That day, I led a book discussion concerning sheep and fads; later, even that very same day, I taught a sectional on the transition from homeschooling to college, assisted by the Doppleganger: Nimagist; which mostly consisted of talking about sheeps and fads. There was Vespers that day; and a dinner that day, served by the Ragin' Cajun, a man of vision, whose food knows no bounds of culinary resplendence. That evening there was dancing, hosted and provisioned by the Squirrel, another example of a talented Lutheran person. I love dancing, I'm not very good, but the longer it's going the less I care about that. The evening wrapped up with an ill-advised night swim in the 60-degree pool, instigated by the Generalissimo, and a long, deep conversation with the Dopplegangers.

Wait for it, I know it occurred to somebody. "Dancing then swimming in freezing water? weren't you sore?"

Oh yes.

Thursday morning began with pain, soreness inexpressible except by the very groanings of the Spirit.

But, once more, I digress. For most people, Thursday began with Matins, but I was too much of a pansy to overcome tiredness and soreness to attend. I showed up in time for the rest of the day's events to begin. There was a sectional, taught by the Rt. Rev. Seminarist. The topic of his sectional was, "Law and Gospel in [thatmusical/bookwhicheverybodylovesandwhichImayormaynotcurrentlybein-thefrenchone]." A very enjoyable topic. After the sectional, we all went to Mass. After Mass we went to harass Capt. von Corgi at his workplace, and then to the Farmers of Legumes and we went for a walk. We had a  spectacular time, but I did then leave lamentably early for a brush-up rehearsal for [thatmusicalwhicheverybodyloves -thefrenchone].

And that was it. The retreat was over. However, it was Friday, and there was still comradery of the Homeschooled Lutheran variety to be found. A small group of said people had remained behind to attend a performance of [thatmusicalwhicheverybodyloves -thefrenchone], and we all spent the day together. The assembled parties were, Myself, the Squirrel, the Dopplegangers: Nimagist and Otter, the Farmers of Legumes, Ms. Donau, and the Lady of Hippo. The good Capt. von Corgi was about his day's work once more at the Sandwich parlor of James-Johannes, from whence he did, in due time, join us. That evening, many of them attended the aforementioned production and a good time was had by all discussing it.

But alas, as with all things this fairy tale did come to an end--for woe of woes-- came Saturday, the day appointed for the Doppleganger: Nimagist, the Lady of Hippo, the Squirrel, and Ms. Donau, should leave to return to their home country, the city of Directionalcurve (and the Squirrel to the northern reaches, of which names I shall not speak). There was much weeping, and tears shed all around. Gifts of farewell, in the form of carafes filled with coffee for the road, were presented. Oaths of pilgrimage were vowed, and we bid a farewell to friends.

And here sit I, too many days after the fact, finally sitting down to record my version of events for posterity, and that only because I mentioned it in passing to Ms. Donau, who was good enough to hold me to my own plans. It was a good time, a time of fellowship, grace, and thanksgiving for the blessings I have received. Not the least of which blessings are my church, my family (both blood and church), for food, and for friendship so often taken for granted. As I have met more and more people and grown to know them, I have learned the value of a true friend, not just a fun person to be with, but a brother-in-arms against the devil, the world, and my own sinful nature. I am fortunate to have an abundance of just such.

Nope, not quite done, but hold your horses it'll all be over with soon. And not only in the cosmic sense....

This week reminded me, as these things always do, of how central my church life is to me. These people, my people, my church-family, are as close and dear to me as many of my extended family. And I love my extended family; that is no belittling of them. The mutual consolation of the brethren was quite visible and tangible amongst those who were gathered.

Sigh.

Nope, not finished... I will make an end when I am finished.

Capt. von Corgi took off this week to visit self same friends. They sojourned in a massive expedition to the far sands and the great inland sea. I did not realize I would be able to go, and thus I was left at home, the Mama having left for the East to visit the She-wolf and her adorable little Hellian, my niece. The Generalissimo was also with me, however, he worked at the Maul from the morn until eve on all but the last day of von Corgi's absence. I was so lonely, I went out and slew a zucchini dragon and returned with it and prepared many a cookie. Aside from that I did lounged, except for doing laundry, and called Von Corgi to complain to him, and anyone who would listen, about my plight of loneliness.

Now, Capt. von Corgi has returned, and existence is almost back to the holding pattern. Life continues much as it always has, full of its comings and goings. Otter has long since returned to the Academie de Bawl State, the Mama will return soon, and the run of [thatmusicalwhicheverybodyloves -thefrenchone] is on its final weekend. School will start soon. Winter is coming and we'd best be ready.

And I think that this shall be for sufficiency. I have vented my thoughts, even though I knew not what to write. I have bored you to tears and now you are reading this and realizing I am drawing out the end as much as possible just to see if you'll keep reading....

Congratulations, you made it.

Thanks for reading.

By the way, remember, if you are feeling good about yourself for humoring me and reading all of this, stop it! you've just gone and ruined that whole good work! Tsk tsk.

Sigh. Well, thanks anyway.... I guess. I hope you enjoyed it.

An Italian Inspired Introspectus

In which our hero devotes some thought to himself, an opera, and a Baritone....


This Thursday, I had the distinct delight of accompanying a group spectacular persons to see the Lyric Opera of Chicago. The Opera: Rigoletto. I was familiar with the story and most of the music, however I had never seen a full production of it....

Now, shame of shames, I must admit that, music enthusiast though I be, I had not, until Thursday, seen a full Opera production.
After that disgraceful admission, back to the first line of thought. Let's hope it's still there....

(Which it is!) ....The cast was incredible, with the exception of a lackluster tenor as the Duke. The Soprano -Gilda- soared through the stratosphere and never once were my ears offended. The Bass -Sparafucile- was exactly what you wanted to see and hear, he was big, he was scary, and he could sing that low F so that you didn't hear it, you felt it, in your very soul.

But the star, the crowning jewel of this cast, was the Baritone playing Rigoletto. The gentleman said in the program that he didn't act the character, the character spoke for itself. He said that he, as a father of children Gilda's age, could sympathize with Rigoletto's paranoia, and eventual despair.

(Interjection) If you are unfamiliar with Rigoletto, familiarize yourself, it is perhaps the best opera ever written, full of beautiful music with a story to break your heart.

Back to regularly scheduled ranting-
To say that I cried for Rigoletto's misfortune, would be a gross understatement, I wept. I got teared up just thinking about it right now. This is, in no small part, due to the Baritone. His performance was better than I could express in my few and meager words (let the reader understand). I cried in anticipation of his suffering, I cried for his fate as a cripple, I cried for his dead wife. Plot elements that I usually just absorb and shove into the back of my mind for reference, all were made real by that man's performance.

But I said 'Introspectus' didn't I?
Ah yes. Myself. My favorite topic, as always.

Recently I have been doing an inordinate amount of thinking. It has been quite painful actually. I wrote, on this very blog, not long ago about who I am, or who other people think I am. I have always thought that I had a great deal of self awareness. I know why I do things, why I don't do them, why I like or dislike certain things or people on a very base level. That sort of thing I have always thought myself geared for.

I am a planner. I got excited the first time I got a 'week at a glance' schedule for school. I like freedom for the time I have left, but I love the structure. Not that I am highly structured, as you can likely tell by reading my writing.

So then, as it is put, to the heart of the matter.

Thursday was the first time in my life that I have felt  not only an interest in, but a desire to pursue Opera. I do not honestly know if I have the voice for it or not, (But that is for another blog post and more thinking) but I am going to speak with those that I trust on such matters. The other edge of this dagger is what it would mean for me in terms of the future. If I want to do opera, I have to really go for it. I have to plan for it, or not. I am not vain to think that I could perform on the Baritone's level, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

That then is my cause for such elongated introspection. I go back and forth in my mind. I need time, which I do have an abundance of at the moment. But I also need counsel and I am going to seek that in its many and diverse forms.

I would appreciate the prayers of those who are willing or so inclined. Such is the main solace I seek.

And that all just has to do with my contemplations of my music career; my brain is fraying at the edges with all of the other stuff regarding life in general.

I didn't mean for that to go quite so long. I started and I really couldn't stop. Sigh.
Thank you for reading.

Times Gone By

In which our hero admits weeping brokenly over the sorrows of fictional characters....



Or, perhaps, weeping brokenly over the not so fictional circumstances of coincidentally fictional characters.

The musical 'Les Miserables' is an in depth study in fictional characters facing not so fictional circumstances. I love the musical. It is my favorite large scale dramatic work. I have been listening to it since I was small enough to not understand the lyrics. I knew the songs belonged to the specific characters and had, therefore, developed strong attachments to them before I started to learn that they almost all died tragic deaths....

That was a bit of a shock.

As time has passed, I have not lost these strong connections. I identify with Javert in many ways, but I am relieved by Valjean's version of the story, repentance, forgiveness. The end always makes me cry, the beautiful words accompanied by the triumphant music, in which the characters, having died, have rebelled against death and now live eternally.

Yeah, good stuff, I just teared up.

But more and more recently, I have cried more and more for 'I Dreamed a Dream' and 'On My Own'.
Both, of course, are powerful songs driven by terrible sadness. 'Little Fall of Rain' falls into the category as well, but not quite to same level. Les Miz, on the whole, is a very depressing musical. The only happy aspect, the marriage of Cosette and Marius, is mired in the sorrows surrounding it.

So then, that's the end right? Les Miz is sad, it makes poor pathetic-vocalist-blogger-person cry.
Zee end.

Not quite.

I don't know why I have thought this of late, perhaps my experiences of recent, and not so recent, times have created this ticking time bomb of thought in my head. Whatever it is, I am going to write about it and try to do it the justice it deserves... probably won't happen.

We live, in a time of 'times gone by.' The modern attitude towards women, on the part of both men and women, has chewed up our dreams, mocked our romances, and left us alone with no love, left to the shameful prostitution of fifty shades of black despair. We have been wooed by promises of enjoyment and freedom, license in licentiousness. It has left us bereft, weeping for dreams of times gone by, when men were kind, when the world was a song and the song was exciting. We were wooed by the devil, and he gave us what we wanted, freedom from romance. We gladly sing 'Pretty Ladies' with no sense of disgust or revulsion. It is the standard of the culture.

But then a Man comes, and even though the law stands and tells Him of how often we make excuses, how we are liars, deserving of death within the prison, He reaches out His hand, pulls us out of the ditch, takes us away from the docks. We still die, we are doomed to it, but we do not die in the despair of death, we die, Him at our side, promising us life for us and our children.

But I am speaking of Christ and the Church.

Thanks for reading.

Of Mice and Minstrels

In which our hero thinks introspective thoughts, imagine that....


Those who know me know that I am a rather proud person. I can hide it pretty well, but if you scratch the surface much at all you will find at the heart, a prideful sinner, much like many others, obsessed with his own affairs. I have enough gall to compare myself to the greats, make excuses, and in general not work as hard as I should.

I am, of course referring to myself as relates to music; however this is a concept which can, and probably should be universally applied to my person.

I have a strong voice, I have known this for a long time. When I was younger I would have barely been reticent to tell you I had the best voice of anyone I knew. I was not quite that crass; but I thought it. And still, when unchecked, my pride will flair up and threaten to consume that little veneer of humility which hides hubris and vanity.

This evening was Dr. Savage's faculty recital. It was a celebration of the 200th anniversary of Verdi's birth. As you may expect, it was all Italian, almost all Verdi, and all excellent. Dr. Savage is an incredible performer, and an incredible singer.

This week has been great for me, musically. Between the aforementioned recital, the vocal showcase --highlighted by the excellent performances of both my upperclassmen colleagues and my teacher-- and the Bach Collegium's performance of the St. Matthew Passion by Bach, highlighted by the performances of several brilliant vocalists, it has been a great treat.

But more importantly for me. These, like many such things, are a strong reality check.

For me, anytime I listen to Mark, my teacher, or Dr. Savage sing, I am given this overwhelming sense of perspective. I have a good voice, yes. But a strong voice does not the singer make, it doesn't hurt, but it does give me excuses. My performance might play out well compared to others in the eyes of the audience, but I, and those who know my voice, know that I didn't do it right. I got nervous, I clipped my vowels, I tilted my head, and, horror of horrors, I swallowed the sound.

I have taken to listening to recordings of Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau, another strong reality check. Dieskau's recordings are incredible. I am highly critical when listening to other people sing, almost to the point of being nasty, which partially comes from that over inflated pride I mentioned earlier, and when I listen to other people sing, especially in my range, I always say to myself, 'could I have done that better than him?'....

What did I know, fool that I was....

 When listening to Dieskau, I always realize, I cannot, now nor ever, perform at that man's level. His performance is flawless in my ears. He never sounds overwrought, or harsh, or nasal. He never sounds wrong. Everything he sings sounds right, like the way that it was meant to be sung.

And it brings everything into clearer perspective. My vanity and my laziness, and other people's talent and hard work, are all brought into stark contrast. Up til this point, I have been coasting through life, riding high --there's that phrase Patrick-- on the gift that God has given me, abusing it by not working harder to improve it. Laziness, lack of labor from lack of love.

Even in the writing of this I can see my perpetually present pride preening for presentation. Humility comes only of perspective, perspective, through wisdom, of which there is only one Beginning and one End.

Even in the writing of this, I have hedged statements, shaved my sentences, cleaned my clauses, and polished my phrases with politeness, in order to protect my pride or to maintain a thin gauze of humility over my pride.

Gauze is used to cover open wounds; this we know.

Anywho, I guess all I'm trying to say, is that it is Friday, I am tired and mildly disappointed at myself. Therefore I am venting my thoughts to the interwebs.

I hope you enjoyed reading this. Unless it was schadenfreude, if so, shame on you, it is Lent after all.

Thanks for reading.

Emergency Pressure Release

In which our hero opens some his consciousness overflow release valves....

I'm feeling restless tonight. Not in a manner that I cannot sleep, or even relax, but in the manner that my mind will not stop whirring. It spins in cycles chewing up, processing, and regurgitating information. But there is nowhere for these fancies and fascinations to fasten, and they quickly return to my mind to find safe haven and refuge from the prying eyes of wandering wrackspurts.

I feel, rather, like a spinning top, hung from a string being twisted into cat's cradles, suspended from a pendulum swinging against the wind. My mind is mincing its meat pies, mixing its metaphors, mashing its M-n-Ms, and meandering in a meaningfully menacing montage of mental menagerie.
Thoughts. They hum about my ears and make sounds, sometimes of a seamless symphony of sympathetic synonyms....

But I digress, I carried that on in order to exorcize my brain. I hope it made some sense, it makes sense to me.

On to actual topics which can be taken for what they are, or are not.

I feel behind; behind schedule as concerns school; behind on my reading; behind on my devotions; behind on life. I feel like I am moving forward, perhaps even quickly, but that the ground is moving faster than my feet and the objects in my rear view mirrors are closer than they appear. I feel that I am making progress, improving and learning, but oh so slowly, and sometimes too late. I am plowing forward, trekking, ever trekking, towards... what? I don't know. I have always felt that I had clear goals. Long term plans for my life. Now I only consider my future in definite terms as concerns my requirements for school. I suppose this has to do with having been assigned goals for the first time.

I was told something, by several different people recently; that, as a professional, and esp. as a performer, I have to define myself. I have to know who I am, and establish that for myself, and for other people. So then, how to go about that? Or do I do it already? Do people have a specific idea of who I am? Do I? If someone had to describe my personality to someone else, how would they do it. I hear people talk about other people they know, and I ask myself'; how do you talk about me when I am not there? I am not so foolish to not care what other people think, I try not to let it define me, but how people perceive you matters.

Ironic, I now have "Who Am I?" from Les Miserables stuck in my head.

When I took the SAT, the essay I had to write was based off of a question about whether we should let other people influence our ideas. Like all SAT questions, it was a low-ball pitch made to be struck with the full force of any highschooler's lofty opinions. I despise questions like this. They always ask for absolutes concerning things which have more touch-of-gray than silver lining.
My answer was that influence was inevitable. We cannot interact with anyone, or anything, and not have it influence our perspective. There is no avoiding influence, we are sponges, we absorb everything and assume it into who and what we are. Whether by adoption or repulsion, or even apathy, all things touch us and make us include them in our reality.

One of the things that has been the hardest about school has been the separation from my family. Nothing makes my day like meeting my brother on campus, whether for coffee or just to walk around talking. For my entire life, my family has been my first resort for advice and for conversation, and my classmates and friends, as excellent and interesting as they may be, do not make for very strong substitutes.

But now it is Lent, a season of prayer, fasting, and solemn meditation. It is strange to consider the fact that, in this world, I will only experience a limited number of Lenten-tides. Statistically, I have already been through twenty percent of them. My days are as an hand-breadth... I find that more and more, my favorite book of the Bible to sit down and read is Ecclesiastes. There is such a strong sense of perspective, of not just knowledge, but wisdom.

And that ultimately, I guess, will be what can help me in finding the answers to all of my problems: Perspective. To know who I am, and to know who He Is. A stark contrast to be sure. A sign upon my forehead and my heart. For, in this one of many Lents, even with the Golgotha of my sins looming in the horizon, I know that my Redeemer lives. And the neither the prince of this world, nor its principalities, nor my own foolish pride, can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.

And that, was an explosion of thought. The last section is the only part that keeps me sane through the rest of it. Perspective for the day, eh?

Thanks for reading.

Oh, Tricky Definition

In which our hero searches for answers for questions that vex him....

More specifically the answer to one question: what is love?

Now don't think that I am descending into sophistry like the of Pilate or Plato. I am not looking for the keys to the universe, just trying to assemble thoughts based on personal experience and various external references.

This question was brought to my mind by a friend asking me what my personal definition of 'love' is. I tried to express, in as few words as possible, what it is. This is one of those times that words become hard. I told my friend that I have often re-considered my definition.

There are times when I will sit and do nothing but think. If you see me sitting and staring into space, it probably means that I have something like this on my mind. I attempt to regularly re-analyze my thoughts and opinions according to new experience or data, with only a few constants that provide perspective and inform my conclusions on all other subjects. I, no doubt, often arrive at the wrong conclusion. I am blessed though to have the best sounding boards in the world, my brothers, particularly my older brother, and my mama.

But anywho, that was rambling, you are probably thinking, 'and when will he get back to his subject?'

Love, as it is used in such times as, 'in love' or, of course, "I love you." How do I even begin to think about these things?

My definition, as of right now, is based on the understanding that the model for matrimonial love is Christ's love for the church. Then why should this not apply to all love between a man and a woman? That the ultimate definition of love is sacrifice? A giving of self for the sake of your beloved. Of course no man can keep this love purely, but it is still our example. A man should love his wife, and sacrifice for her, without thought of self or reputation.

Now how anyone ever reaches that point is still well beyond my ken. I know what I think love looks like, but that doesn't mean that I can see it.

Thanks for reading my spiel.